When I First Held You By Anstey Harris

When I First Held You by Anstey Harris.

Published 24th January 2023 by Lake Union Publishing.

From the cover of the book:

Silence tore them apart. Can the truth bring them back together?

In 1960s Glasgow, anti-nuclear activists Judith and Jimmy fall in love. But their future hopes are dashed when their protestors’ squat is raided and many, including Jimmy, are sent to prison. Pregnant and with no word from Jimmy, Judith is forced to enter an unmarried mothers’ home, give up their baby and learn to live with her grief.

More than half a century later, Judith’s Mending Shop restores broken treasures, just as Judith herself has been bound back together by her late, much-missed partner, Catherine. But her tranquillity is shattered when Jimmy—so different and yet somehow the same—reappears, yearning to unpick the painful past.

Realising they each know only half of the other’s story, Jimmy and Judith finally break the silence that tore apart what might have been their family. Amid heartbreak and hope, how much can now be mended?

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In the years since the death of her much missed partner, famous artist Catherine Rolf, retired social worker Judith has valiantly carried on running Catherine's beloved Mending Shop, which restores broken treasures in much the same way as she repaired Judith's broken heart more than fifty years ago. Lately, however, she has been wondering whether keeping the shop going herself is really what Catherine wanted for her. Maybe the time has come for her to step aside and follow a new path?

Then, following news coverage about the work of the Mending Shop, Judith's fragile progress is shattered by the appearance of someone from the dark days of her past - Jimmy McConnell. The man she last saw in 1960s Glasgow, when he was dragged away from the squat where she and other anti-nuclear protesters lived, to be sent to prison. The man who left her pregnant with no option but to enter a mother and baby home and give up her much wanted daughter for adoption. The man who betrayed her.

Jimmy's shock return sends Judith reeling. He wants the chance to explain what happened all those years ago, but they are strangers who barely know each other, and Judith is unwilling to stir up all the painful memories associated with that episode of her life. Can they find a way to mend the heartbreak that tore them apart? Should they even try?

Inspired by Anstey Harris' own family history, When I First Held you delves into the shocking history of forced adoptions throughout the 1950s to 1970s, when unmarried mothers were made to give up their babies to preserve the fallacy of 'family values'.

It is really difficult to talk too much about this one without giving spoilers, as the story covers a lot of ground emotionally, ideologically, historically, and geographically, which is darned impressive. It moves back and forth between Judith and Jimmy's relationship in the 1960s and the resulting sad tale of Judith's pregnancy; and the present from when Jimmy unexpectedly walks back into Judith's life. Judith is the central narrator, and the force of her inner turmoil cuts you to the quick as she takes you through her heartrending experiences, both firsthand in the past, and when she revisits them upon Jimmy's arrival. As the story progresses beyond Judith and Jimmy's painful reunion, another character adds their voice to the story... but I leave you to discover who this is for yourselves.

This is my first book from Anstey Harris, and I have been bowled over by her beautiful writing. Judith's voice drew me in from the very beginning, and the impact of her sense of loss is heart-breaking to bear witness to. She is beginning to find a way forward until Jimmy intrudes into her life, but his arrival brings up all the things she thought she had recovered from through her happiness with Catherine, opening raw wounds once again.

However, it is not so easy to paint Jimmy as the villain of the piece as you might think. When he and Judith come to tell both sides of their sad history, we begin to understand every facet of their tragic love story. The truth on both sides unfurls with perfect timing, slowly changing you perspective on their relationship and the factors that came into play to keep them apart. I shed many tears as they gradually worked through the mountain of pain that lay between them, and found a way to forgive each other and themselves. I especially loved the way Harris separates the idea of the people they were in the past when they parted, and who they have become when they are reunited.

Harris keeps nothing back about the impossible position unmarried mothers found themselves in if they became pregnant and had no husband, or family, to support them. There are many difficult scenes to negotiate in this part of the story that will break your heart in two. Interestingly, in the telling, she touches on the difficulties of obtaining reliable contraception, and the harsh facts of the wider adoption process too. The thread around nuclear protests of the 1960s is absolutely fascinating as well.

For all the pain in this book, with its exploration of the agony of different aspects of loss, it is balanced by love, understanding, and reconciliation in abundance. Judith's journey is an all consuming one, and Harris tells it with accomplished skill. My favourite theme is the way Harris uses unity - especially at the end of the book. I sobbed!

This is an incredible book, guaranteed to be on my best of 2023 pile. I will be buying Harris' back catalogue without further ado - her writing is wonderful.

When I First Held You is available to buy in paperback, ebook and audio formats.

Thank you to FMcM Associates for sending me a copy of this book in return for an honest review, and for inviting me to be part of this blog tour.

About the author:

Anstey Harris was born in an unmarried mothers’ home in Liverpool in 1965. Now a mother and stepmother herself, she lives in Scotland where she runs a writing retreat. She has been inspired by her family history, and hopes to give a voice to the women and children—16,000 a year during the 1960s in the UK—separated from each other by forced adoptions.

Anstey won the H. G. Wells Short Story Award in 2015 and her debut novel, The Truths and Triumphs of Grace Atherton, a Richard and Judy Book Club choice, won the Sapere Books RNA Popular Romantic Fiction Award in 2020. Her second novel, Where We Belong, was shortlisted for the RNA Book of the Year Award 2021 and she numbers Libby Page, Katie Fforde and Beth O’Leary among her many fans.